Edited in Prisma app with Femme

I sat there on my couch in a state of shock and disbelief. However, those weren’t the emotions that stuck around. The most prevalent one, and one that I still have now, and likely will retain for a long time, is internal conflict.

Ever since the Cleveland Browns began their pursuit of Deshaun Watson, I was skeptical, at best, that I would even want him on the team that I supported. The allegations surrounding him, the 22 outstanding civil lawsuits that allege sexual assault perpetrated by Watson made me uneasy that the Browns were even willing to go down that road. When they were eliminated from contention, I felt more relieved than anything that I wouldn’t have to deal with the Browns getting dragged through the mud for being so willing to employ someone who had been accused of such heinous things.

However, with one tweet from Adam Schefter, the Browns gave me a pit in my stomach that no loss on the field ever had.

After months of skipping out on the multitude of Browns-related Twitter Spaces, I relented last week. Mostly out of sheer curiosity, but mixed in was a craving for information on the Browns’ pursuit of a new quarterback and just the slightest bit of boredom. But regardless of the reasoning, I was hooked. So, when a rather impromptu space was thrown up around 2:45 p.m. on Friday afternoon, I decided to turn down March Madness for a bit and listen to see if anyone had any insight into what the next move may be. However, after about 30 minutes of people bickering over the merits of Jimmy Garrapolo and Marcus Mariotta, I went back to watching basketball. 

If I had just kept listening a little while longer, I would have the news broken live. Instead, while I was trying to root on USC to take down Miami for the sake of my bracket (which was already on fire at that point anyway), I got a three-word text in a group chat: “WE GOT WATSON”. After checking Twitter and verifying the legitimacy of that claim, you would think that a lifelong Browns fan such as myself would be ecstatic for the team to acquire a top-five quarterback in his prime.

But….there I was, feeling kinda queasy.

As if the news that the Browns had been able to convince Watson to waive his no-trade clause wasn’t conflicting enough, the news that the Browns were giving him the second-largest contract in NFL history only magnified that. It had been a little over two hours since I had said in various group chats that the prospect of Watson getting a new, more lucrative contract made the whole process feel dirtier than it already was…and yet, the Browns did it.

Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand why this trade and subsequent contract made sense from a football perspective. If Watson steps onto the field at FirstEnergy Stadium and is able to replicate the numbers that he put up in 2020, there’s a chance that he goes down as a top player at the position in Cleveland’s storied history. But it’s everything else that makes this decision hard for nearly everyone involved.

Immediately, the fallout from this decision was apparent. An entire legion of people saying that the Browns had ‘sold their soul’ in order to acquire Watson, a faction of Browns fans that included some close friends stating that they were done with the team and renouncing their fandom.

“Y’all are morally bankrupt,” one friend, a non-Browns fan, texted me.

“I’m not watching a single Browns game while he’s the quarterback,” another said.

“This officially ends my time as a Browns fan,” a third one posted.

Meanwhile, I knew deep down that I wouldn’t be able to give up my fandom, so I wondered if, somehow, I was in the wrong for not being able to take that step.

Since Friday, the whole thing has weighed heavily on my mind, so much so that I actively avoided anything to do with the Browns for a little while. As the discourse continued, I noticed a pattern emerging that aimed to paint all Browns fans that remained loyal despite the trade as a defense of Watson’s actions. For me, and the vast majority of those that remain, this couldn’t be further from the truth. I never fully committed to the concept of the Browns trading for Watson because of his actions. I simply wasn’t comfortable with having someone who was accused of those kinds of things on my football team. I’m sure there are plenty of people out there with the same sentiment.  But the truth is that now all of us that felt that way and aren’t moving on from the team, either temporarily or permanently, have to deal with the reality of having a man accused of 22 acts of sexual assault as the face of their franchise.

The Browns were far from the only team that was willing to go through with this trade. According to an article from Jason Lloyd in The Athletic, 13 teams entered into the pursuit of Watson. The quarterback approved just five of those to meet with him (Atlanta, Carolina, Cleveland, Indianapolis, and New Orleans). The Texans nixed the Colts from discussions, not wanting to trade Watson within their division, leaving just the four finalists.

On the other end of the spectrum are those that believe that, because Watson wasn’t criminally charged, he is completely exonerated of any wrongdoing. This is something that I can’t personally support and I know many people out there will feel the same way. However, everyone that sticks with the Browns during this tumultuous time is going to be lumped into the same basket by those on the outside. A group of people that many are going to see as lacking morality.

For the vast majority of Browns fans, this assessment is an unfair one. The prospect that everyone should abandon the team is understandable, but painting an entire fanbase as immoral people that openly support a man like Watson isn’t fair to those that recognize that he is potentially a sexual predator and are extremely conflicted about his acquisition. Personally, I have already committed to never owning anything Browns-related that says Watson on it or has his image featured. I know that isn’t much in the grand scheme of things, but if I am maintaining my fandom through all of this despite my reservations on Watson, I have to draw the line somewhere.

The history of the NFL is, unfortunately, filled with men who have done horrible things and get to continue playing football while making millions of dollars. Watson can be lumped into that group if even a quarter of the things he has been accused of are true. However, with no criminal proceedings, we are unlikely to ever know the full extent of his actions.

There are many things in this process that I can only hope the Browns considered. I hope that they took into account the vast number of women that make up a chunk of the team’s fan base and the effect that a move like this can have on that group, both right now and in the future. I wish they had taken the time to speak with the accusers of Watson’s alleged actions. The team has said that they have done ‘comprehensive’ and ‘extensive’ investigations into his legal situation, which reportedly includes a deep dive into his past, dating as far back as his time in high school. The general public will likely never know even a small fraction of what the Browns were able to dig up and the actual level of depth they employed in their background investigations.

For well over a year, the Browns fan base has put a great deal of faith in Andrew Berry and Paul DePodesta to run the franchise, not only to win on the field but as a class organization off of it. This move definitely takes some of that luster off for the time being. A great deal of that can be fixed with winning on the field, but there are deep scars made by this trade that will never heal.

I can never fault those in the fanbase that decided to move on after the trade was finalized. I completely understand where they were coming from and would be lying if I said those thoughts didn’t creep into my mind as well. However, I know that I would also be lying if I said that I was moving on from the team. I know that I wouldn’t be able to stay away and I’m sure there are many out there that feel the same way.

For those that do remain, it truly is ok for you to feel conflicted. I feel conflicted as well. You aren’t alone. But I’m not going to let Watson ruin my love of a team that I’ve been wholeheartedly attached to for nearly my entire life.

There’s no way that each individual within the Browns’ fanbase deserves to bear the brunt of the public opinion hurricane that rumbled onto our shores at 3:47 p.m. on March 18, 2022. We had nothing to do with the trade, but we’ve been caught in the crossfire ever since.

I will also not disparage those that want to move on. There is certainly enough justification to do so. I’m willing to bet a majority of those that clung to their fandom in the wake of the trade at least had that thought cross their mind.

I know that this opinion may draw some ire from some people out there, but if I’m willing to respect your opinion and how you handle the situation personally, I hope you will be able to respect how I choose to handle it.

In the end, the Browns are still going to play football this fall and I will be there watching as I always have. Will it be more difficult to celebrate their successes knowing the kind of person they are employing? Yes, it definitely will. There will always be a part of me, and many other Browns fans that will feel dirty because of this.

I know that there are those out there that will look down on Browns fans even though most of us recognize that Watson has potentially done some deplorable things in his life, but it’s possible to remain steadfast on both aspects of this saga as it unfolds. It’s possible to root for a team while recognizing that one of its best players isn’t someone to support.

I’ll still be in the Browns’ corner even if I’m not in Watson’s.

Retired Owners/Co-Founders: Rick Grayshock (@RickGrayshock) Craig Lyndall (@WFNYCraig) Scott Sargent (@WFNYScott) Andrew Schnitkey (@RockWFNY)

Associate Editors: Michael Bode (@mgbode_WFNY) Josh Poloha (@JorshP)

Podcast Hosts: Dave Sterling (@dimoko) Tom Valentino (@1TomValentino)

Contributors: Corey Barnes (@Corey_Barnes) Ethan Forness (@PopPunkdEthan) Joe Gilbert (@JoeGilbertWFNY) Taylor Jedrzejek (@TaylorJed73) Mitchell Krall (@mlkrall) Frank Ryan (@sports7765) Seth Wannemacher (@Seth_Hoops)

Co-Founder Emeritus: Rick Grayshock (@RickGrayshock)

Editors Emeritus: Jake Burns (@jake_burns18) Andrew Clayman (@ClaymanWFNY) TD Dery (@TD1TribeKU) Will Gibson (@wjcgibson) Mike Hattery (@snarkyhatman) Denny Mayo (@DennyMayo) Jeff Nomina (@SportsNom) Dan Parker (@DP_Cannon) Jim Pete (@JimPeteEHC) Brendan Porath (@BrendanPorath) Jacob Rosen (@WFNYJacob) Jon Steiner (@NowImJon) Kyle Welch (@kcwelch330) Gage Will (@GageWFNY)